Rubber Duckie, You Lie

So, as we embark upon our daily routine as parents, Kiwi and I have found a flaw in the workings of the marketing that is directed towards the consumers that happen to be the parents.

As new parents, the last thing you want to do is harm your child in any way.  Bath time is a minefield a potential hazards to the little guy.  From the obvious drowning potential to being slippery, probably the most nerve racking obstacle is water temperature.  Too hot = burn baby.

OK.  Problem solved.  They have these great little rubber ducks that will tell you if the temperature of the water is too hot for the little one.   

Only they lie.

They change colors, saying the water is too hot, so you add cold water.  Once the duck changes colors back to safe, you can add baby to water.  Only now, the water is cold, making your child now shiver while you try to bathe the wiggle warm.

We still use our ducks as a guide, but they don't make or break our bath routine.  We use our hands as the temperature guide, because rubber duckie, you lie.

The Barber Shop

Quality barber shops are quickly heading in the same direction that the dinosaurs, Polaroid cameras and telephone booths have gone.  Total extinction.



I can see why barber shops are headed in that direction.  It’s a labor intensive craft.  Quality barbering takes time, and time is money.  In the past five years I can count on one hand the number of barbers that I’ve frequented to cut my hair that had someone employed that was under the age of 45.  Much like the veterans of WWII, barbers are aging out and the younger generations aren’t even considering it as an option for work.  It is a total travesty.

Some guys that I talk to posture up and proclaim “Oh, I would never trust getting my hair cut at a barber shop.  I have to have mine hair cut by a woman.”  To each his own I guess, but here is why I love going to the barber shop.

Cash is king - I don’t know that I’ve ever been to a barber shop that takes plastic.  This is one of the few service businesses that cash has always, and continues to be, the only form of compensation.  You can also get your trim for under $20.  I can remember a time when a $5 spot would cover it, but most barbers run between $9 & $12.  For those males reading this that pay over $20 to get your hair cut, we can’t tell a difference.  You are just throwing your money away.  I still have money left over from my haircut to purchase a few brews or maybe even my lunch.

 The Political Barometer - If any of you ever plan on running for public office, start out at the local barber shop.  The clientele and proprietor will let you know in about 5 minutes what needs to change with whatever community you might be trying to represent.  School board, county commissioner, State senate, or the House of Representatives in Washington, D.C., they will give a no B.S. opinion on how to fix the problem using common sense.  The ideas they give you might not work, but they will give you a perfect gauge of the pulse of your constituency.

Self Confindence – A new haircut can make an ordinary man feel like a brand new person.  From trimming up your appearance, to giving you that freshly shaven look, barber shops are the performance speed shop for instant self confidence.  Got a date? Go get a trim.  Interview for a new job?  Make certain that your appearance isn’t the difference in a “you got the job” instead of “We regret to inform you…”  Going to the barber makes me feel like I’ve lost weight, even though I know I haven’t.



Razz will go to a barber shop for his haircuts.  He will come to appreciate everything that is the essence of the barber shop.  From the drape they put over you, the starchy protector they tuck in over your collar, the warm shaving cream that signals you are nearly done with the process and the spin and review in the mirror, a visit to the barber is one of my favorite activities in life.  I hope that Razz has the same appreciation for such a small part of life that can make you feel so good.  

Man in Transition

So Baby Razz has taken some big steps this week, figuratively of course, in his climb up the growth charts of life.  There have been a few bumps along the way, as there always is when trying something new, but Razz is an innovator and those bumps don’t stop him from trying.

Transition 1 - Diapers

We went up a size in diapers this weekend.  The move was probably long overdue.  They never seem small until you see the proper size diaper on and then are like “wow, we had our son in bikini briefs”.  Yeah, it was time.  Also, we had our first blowout.  I’m not usually one to share family bodily functions, but to be so small, this was impressive.

Transition 2 – Clothes

Clothes are tricky.  The pair of pants that I buy from Old Navy are going to fit differently than the pair of Carhartts I have in my closet.  It’s just the way the world works.  Infant clothing is the same way.  Carter’s fit completely different than the Gerber’s onesies do.  So with one manufacturer, Razz is wearing a 0-3 month and with another it’s 3-6 month...at 6 weeks old.  For the most part, we’ve quickly grown out of our newborn clothing.  It’s exciting on one hand, hard to believe that he was ever that small.  Scary on the other hand, in that a stage of his life has blown past me right before my eyes and I feel like I didn’t catch as much of it as I should have.

Transition 3 – Sleep

Baby Razz has been getting better and better at sleeping.  We still have nights that are less than desirable from both points of view, but he seems to be forging towards sleeping more regularly and for longer periods of time.  He has this pattern he’ll fall in to every now and then where he “beeps” himself to sleep.  He makes this vocal noise that sounds kind of like squeaking a latex balloon.  It makes for difficulty in sleeping for us as parents, but it seems to soothe him.  If it keeps him asleep at night, I’m all for it.

Family Funday Sunday

Today, Kiwi and I kind of resumed our weekly routine that we used to do on Sunday’s before Razz joined us.  Sunday used to be the day we would sleep in.  Once we were up and around, we would pull ourselves together and go out to breakfast somewhere in town.  We have about 5 favorite places that we frequent around town for breakfast.  I’m not certain why we are both so enamored with breakfast, but that is our meal of choice to have served to us.  How do you like your eggs?

After our meal and showing off Razz to the manager of one of our favorite restaurants, we went to Babies R Us to pick up some non essentials.  Ladies and Gentlemen, if you’ve never stepped inside a Babies R Us, you should.  To quote my cousin, they are the enemy.  I have to agree with him.  Half of the stuff inside their store you never need, but their helpful marketing and pregnancy consultants will try their best to convince you otherwise.  We had to return some things to get different sizes and colors, and definitely took advantage of their winter clearance sale.  Razz already has his winter coat for the fall and winter of 2011.

After that trip, we tried to interest Razz in the NFC Championship game and a bottle, but decided a nap was more his speed.  Some shepherd’s pie for supper, and we’re biding our time till bath time.  Returning to work full time on Monday is going to be a huge adjustment for me.  I’m excited to return to the office full time because working part time leaves me with a void but I’m apprehensive in how my adjustment will be handled by all in the house.  It happens every day around the world, so I’m not certain what I’m nervous about.  Just another day in the life!

Five Tips for the New Father

Baby Razz watching me multi-task.

1.     Become the Ultimate Multi-Tasker – If you aren’t already someone who can do more than one thing at the same time, figure it out.  Being able to have a load of laundry washing, while your washing bottles and cooking a quick dinner all while you talk to your family on the phone is crucial.  I haven’t mastered it just yet, but I’m getting much better than I was two weeks ago.  I find a Bluetooth headset to be an essential part of making multi-tasking easier, click here for some reviews.  Being able to focus is key, too.  Prioritize your to do list and your life will be much easier.  If you don’t have a to do list, get one.

2.     Laundry (Learn It, Live It, Love It) – You may have never washed a load of towels in your life.  Folding might seem like learning Russian to you, but I would suggest learning it.  Since our return from the hospital I feel that our washer and dryer have run non-stop.  There are many things worse than washing and folding clothes.  It will make your life easier because it’s one less thing your wife has to do, and she will appreciate your efforts.  If she doesn't, well my friend, you have bigger problems.

3.     When Baby Sleeps, You Sleep – Even if it’s a 20 minute nap, when the baby decides to take his or her nap, take yours.  Your body will greatly appreciate you later.  It took me 10 days to learn this, but I’ve finally taken it to heart.

4.     Remember that Can’t Miss Game? – The National Championship is on?  Big deal.  Your alma mater is playing Duke in basketball? Catch the highlights on ESPN.  That’s what ESPN News is for.  Sure, it’s not as fun and you may have missed the controversial call that was a huge momentum swing in the game, but you have bigger fish to fry.



5.   Imitate a NASCAR Pit Crew – When it is diaper change time, you want to make certain that you get everything clean down there for baby.  You would want the same done for you.  But, when the bottom meets the changing pad, you want to be quick and efficient.  Get it off, get it changed, get a fresh one back on.  Failure to do so will result in a load of laundry.  Baby’s body has a tough time regulating their own temperature very well.  When cold air meets warm body part, it usually results in uncontrollable urination.  Really not fun to deal with.  Really, really not fun when you have to wash the changing pad cover, the onesie and sleep sack the child was in.  Be quick about it, everyone will appreciate it in the end.

Hurricane Razz

WOW.

That’s really all I have.  My son Razz joined us on this earth last Friday at 3:15 in the morning.  Our journey to that point was boring at times, chaotic at others but worth the price of admission in the end.  We spent a good portion of that day just waiting.  Waiting for a room, waiting for the medicine to work, waiting for the Doctor.  I’m not a big fan of waiting, neither is Kiwi.  Hurry up and wait.  We did a lot of that.

The wait was worth it though as Razz is a blessing.  His innocence and personality are awe inspiring.  He’s had somewhat of a rough go of it thus far as he had a rough delivery and is still battling a case of jaundice.

So since we brought him home on Monday, we’ve been on a roller coaster of sorts.  Coming home meant we were on our own.  No nursing staff or lactation consultants to help us out.  I know that the hospital is supposed to be a place for healing but it is impossible to get any rest in a hospital unless you’re in a coma. Somebody is coming in your room, on average, about every 45 minutes.  I timed it, and got the average.  It was redunkuless.

I’ve experienced the gamut of bodily functions in the last week, too.  #1 and #2 don’t bother me all that much.  I can deal.  #3 (vomit) on the other hand, I don’t do so well.  Poor Kiwi, bless her heart, had such a rough delivery that I got my fill of #3 for the next 5 years in about a 12 hour time span.



Razz is here and Kiwi and he are both healthy and safe at home.  I’m trying my best to keep the laundry beat down as the pile seems now to be never ending.  Sleep has never been so precious.  Neither has my son, Razz.